Don't make out with my wife yet
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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