marko just referred to some fat asian and a portly friend as Jupiter and one of its moons. unreal. hyte!
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
my shit smells like andre
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
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