Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
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