i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
Randomize
