good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
