I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
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