I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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