I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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