She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
My feet surprised me
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Randomize
