Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
You pole danced in your parka.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
