when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
