apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Randomize
