Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
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