Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
