I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
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