I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
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