bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
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