We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
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