I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
Randomize
