So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
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