when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
Randomize
