i'm signing you up for texting rehab
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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