omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Randomize
