oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Randomize
