he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
