It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
she peed on how many people?
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize
