I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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