eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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