I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Sex in the backyard? Check.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
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