go do what you do best...puke behind churches
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Randomize
