i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
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