You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
Last day of classes. 1st day attending every class. I'm proud of myself
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Randomize
