sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
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