I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
