So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
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I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
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