I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Randomize
