im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Randomize
