The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Randomize
