my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
