I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
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