Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
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i loe djcudia fjxos rue.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
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