if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
Find out what day classes start and I will come down to Richmond that weekend. Any broad who claims to be 18-21 will be promptly ID'd. My job has trained me to spot a fake from a mile away, and I don't need a statutory rape charge.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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