All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
Randomize
