Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
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