youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Randomize
