I need a slap back to reality. Or at least a slap back to homosexuality
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
