when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
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