I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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