I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
