i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
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