She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
