every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
