I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
I wish you could order shots online.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
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I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
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I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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