the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
27 Signs That Someone Will Probably Be Bad At Sex
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
23 Proposal Horror Stories You Won’t Believe
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing