I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
